Posted on /by Brant Phillips/ in Blogs

A MAN’S DARKNESS

We all have Dark Sh*t.

I will share some of mine with you.

Why?

Truth sets you free.

Hiding truth keeps you in bondage.

First, when you share your truth, you walk in peace.

I don’t want to cover anything up.

I used to do that a lot.

Probably still do some, but when I catch it, I release it.

When you don’t walk in truth, you’re not REAL and people can’t feel the real you.

Living in lies is an invisible cage you create for yourself, and it ties you down more than you will ever know.

This is an artificial, and fake way to live.

That’s the plastic version of you.

Nobody really likes that version of you by the way.

I know because I used to be a part of that club.

And when you hide your lies, in addition to hurting yourself, you limit yourself from helping others.

And one of the greatest ways we can help one another is by:
1. Being Real (Honesty)
2. Sharing our Experiences (Truthfully)
3. Showing what helped us to overcome that situation (Helping)

That’s it.

So why would I share something like this or other things I share?

I want to release it for myself.

And I want to release it for you.
Because I know that someone reading this needs to hear it.

Maybe it’s you.

Maybe it’s someone you know.

Maybe it’s not, I don’t know.

Someone reading this is hurting and needs healing and this may help.

So here goes….

Some of you that have been friends with me for 10+ years may have seen the first transformation that I went through.

This is what preceded that awakening in my life….

Prior to that awakening, from the outside world, I was living the Dream.

Successful Real Estate Investor & owned a Construction company that was doing very well.

I had written my first book…

I was going on the news to be interviewed…

I was running big events…

We had the big house
*my wife and I used to drive through this neighborhood when we were dead broke and wonder what it would be like to live there, but it was just a far off dream.

We never thought living there would be a reality.

We had wonderful, healthy Kids all in private school.

My wife and I were both Healthy & Fit.

I was (for the most part), living my dream.

But on the inside, I was struggling with the pressures of business, life and success.

But struggling the most in my marriage.

I was drinking most nights, and drinking heavily many of those nights.

My wife and I had become detached to say the least.

You see, we both came with baggage into the marriage and things don’t get easier when you get married.

And contrary to belief, things don’t get easier when you start making money.

Mo’ money, mo’ problems is a real thing if you don’t have your shit together internally.

Money exposes your weaknesses.

And we both had them.

But more so, it was me.

At this point in time, we were basically on the verge of divorce.

She was already talking to an attorney because I had checked out for months.

We were in a bad, bad place.

And she was scared.

The kids knew it, and it was starting to affect them.

My wife felt so uncomfortable talking to me at this time that she didn’t even tell me she was pregnant with our 4th child.

To make matters worse, she wasn’t barely eating (previous anorexia issue resurfaced).

I remember when I hit my bottom during this time.

We had a water leak in our bathroom and the water went into the master bedroom closet at our house, aka mini-mansion, and I had the carpet removed but hadn’t had the contractors come replace it yet.

The carpet had been removed for a couple of months and I could have just sent a text and had it replaced the same day, but I didn’t care.

I figured we’d be divorcing soon and selling the house, so I would just do it then with other minor stuff before selling the house.

And one day, after countless days of us not talking unless we were arguing, my wife broke down.

I needed to a shirt so as I walked towards the closet I began to hear her, then I opened the door and saw her there.

I found her in the bedroom closet, lying on the cold cement floor, surrounded by the clothes and all I heard were the echoes of her crying, no more like weeping, and praying, with tears streaming down her face.

She looked up at me with the deepest, darkest pain in her eyes, crying and completely broken.

She asked, no begged me, wanting to know if there was any chance for us to try to work things out.

She told me how much she loved me and wanted to make it work.

How did I react to my (unknowingly pregnant) wife with our next child, starving herself to death from the anguish I was putting her through?

I stepped over her to get my shirt and told her to leave me alone.

And I walked away.

As I did, her crying turned to wailing as I walked away and I felt it like a punch in the gut.

I wasn’t expecting to feel anything because I had conditioned myself to be stone cold.

But something stung me seeing her that way.

But I continued on and left the house.

I was determined to leave.

I was determined to block my heart from pain OR admitting wrong.

…….that was the lowest point of my life and worst version of me as a man that I had ever been….

That was my pit.

I was in the deepest depth of it then.

And I had a decision to make.

What did I decide?

Ultimately, I decided to fight.

First, I had ask myself with some very long looks in the mirror:

WHAT THE F**K WAS WRONG WITH ME?

Why was I so hard hearted?

And why couldn’t I love her the way she deserved?

She basically had done nothing wrong, just typical young married issues that probably everyone goes through.

But I was such a douche that I would turn a level 3 issue into a 10 every damned time.

And I would make her out to be the villain.

But by the grace of God, during this time: I found Surrender.

I surrendered to my bullshit and my lies.

I had to face the Truth.

And I started to be real about where I was at.

I started to do the deep work, I began to see it.

When you seek you find.

And I began to find it.

Most often:
The problems you see in them are actually the problems within you.

It didn’t get fixed overnight, but what changed everything was:

I MADE A DECISION TO SURRENDER
&
I MADE A DECISION TO TELL THE TRUTH.
&
I MADE A DECISION TO FIGHT.

And I began to put in the work to do what was right and what was good.

I was going to stand up for my wife and my family and not be another statistic.

And I began a journey of discovering WHY I did the things I did.

I went on a journey to learn about the pains I had and HOW I could truly change from within.

And I found answers and a path that led to restoration.

And I’m still on that journey today.

But I’m on that journey with my wife.

Tomorrow we will celebrate our 23rd anniversary.

And I couldn’t be more happy to be married to this woman.

And looking back, I’m grateful even for the dark times we went through because it has made us who we are today.

And I know that our pain has been transferred to Power for us in our relationship and to help others.

So if this is for you, there is hope my friend.

When you’re in a pit, realize there is a Peak above you.

But you need to find the courage and strength to begin to move forward again.

Surrender.
Tell the Truth.
Begin to Fight.

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