Posted on /by Brant Phillips/ in Blogs

APPRECIATION COMES WITH DEEP CONVICTION

No, not always, but this was my experience last night.

I took a plant medicine ‘trip’ (mushrooms) last night for the first time ever.

It was a small dose, but incredibly powerful, and I’m still in awe of what took place.

I’ve been researching this for quite some time, and felt a ‘calling’ in my heart to do this.

To feel ‘called’ to plant medicine alone was strange and indescribable in and of itself, but kept sensing like God was calling me to experience this for some reason.

Now I see why.

There was a connection that I needed to experience.

And last night was confirmation.

It’s hard to explain all of the emotions, senses and vibrations that I felt, but I will try.

I took the dose around 6pm.

Soon after, I moved to our formal sitting area in the front of the home with my ipad so I could sketch and draw out some concepts of some things I’ve been thinking about.

As I sat there, now around 7pm, the medicine was beginning to take effect, and Tara soon came into the room and sat across from me as we often do in the mornings, and many evenings to talk.

Garrison, our oldest son, had come into the room soon thereafter and we began to have a conversation with him.

Almost immediately, I felt a deeper understanding of the words being shared, the insights and the visual stimulations I began to experience were ‘felt’ more so than heard or seen.

When Garrison began talking, I noticed that I was starting to react to my typical ‘bad dad’ fashion which is to get frustrated or annoyed at certain things he would say because I didn’t agree with his logic or thought process, and I would begin to take over and show him I was ‘right’, but the medicine was encouraging me to listen, and just appreciate the moment and his words/feelings, so I obeyed, and began to sense a deeper understanding of the situations he was discussing and felt extreme empathy and a desire to simply offer suggestions to guide Garrison to discover what’s at the core of the problem so he can have a deeper understanding and ultimately, make his own decisions.

But I became completely OK with him not agreeing with me and just started feeling very appreciative to even having him in our home again after the events of last year (me and him collided a lot in the past and went through some difficult times about a year ago) and was so grateful for our relationship today and for the direction he is heading in.

Later on, Edy (our nanny for 10+ years) came in to our home with Gianna (our youngest daughter).

As I was sitting there the medicine was really starting to take effect.

When Edy and Gianna came in it almost felt like I was sitting in a sitcom.

I can’t explain it, but I started to sense a vibration between me and anyone who was in the area.

I was so grateful for the life that I was living and the people that are my family and friends.

I felt this the most towards Tara.

There was something different that I was seeing in sensing with her…

Everything about her radiated with beauty and grace.

We’ve been married for over 22 years, and while I’ve experienced her beauty and grace a countless number of times since we first met, but what I was beginning to see in her was somehow deeper and more beautiful than I’ve ever seen.

The way she smiled, the way she laughed, the way she scratched her nose, the way that she got onto the kids over them being to rambunctious, anything and everything she did was just so incredibly cute and beautiful…she radiated with love, peace and beauty….and I felt a vibration towards her ESSENCE and to EVERYTHING that she was doing or saying.

It was taking my breath away, literally…

I’ve never felt this feeling so strong and I know it was the feeling of Love.

And I was feeling it for everyone who came to the room.

It was a radiation or better yet, a Vibration I could feel between me and them, and it did not stop.

I felt the same thing when Samuel (my nephew) came to the house.

When Dylan (my 9 yo) came into the room, my heart once again felt flooded with this vibration.

And as the conversations were going on, I knew what everyone was saying, I was coherent, but there was a VIBRATION that was occurring that was seemingly communicating the FEELINGS of the words that people were saying in their words.

I felt everyone’s presence and I ‘FELT’ their words.

I simply can’t describe it, it just felt surreal sitting there in my chair breathing it all in.

And as all of this was going on I suddenly began to feel an extremely deep feeling of APPRECIATION for my life.

Then I began to think about some things that I’ve been stressing out about lately, but those thoughts also seemed to melt from stress or worry to gratitude and I continued to feel a DEEP SENSE OF APPRECIATION FOR EVERYTHING.

Everything and everyone seemed to be connected.

Even when Ginger (our dog) walked in I remember looking at her and just seeing her in a different way.

It was strange, but I just even felt a vibration from Ginger and a deeper sense of love for her.

And as this evening went on, which was probably a little over an hour or so in the formal living room, the entire time I was feeling a strong vibration from Tara and EVERYTHING she was saying and doing was touching my heart to the point where I soon became completely overwhelmed with an Appreciation that was bringing me to tears.

I began to think about all that we’ve been through, all that she’s done for me, our family and others, and also began to think about all of the difficult years and times that we had, and I felt a deep deep sense of CONVICTION in my heart for the so many times I made things more difficult than they needed to be.

I had been an asshole so many times in the past, especially in the beginning of our marriage and during a very rough spot after being married around 10 years when we were almost divorced, and this pain flashed before my eyes very quickly, and I sensed the pain in my chest all of a sudden.

In my mind it was so clear, that I made things so much more difficult and things didn’t have to be that way if I would have just appreciated her more and been less selfish and foolish at that time.

I felt it deeply.

I asked her to go to our room so we could talk, I needed to share this with her.

We went back to our room to sit on the couch and talk and it was simply a beautiful connected conversation.

Once again, it wasn’t about the words, it was about the vibration and the feeling of love that was being shared.

I apologized again for some of my actions in the past.

For times that I would blame her for things that were not justified.

For me not being the Man that I needed to be back then.

And she hugged me so deeply and put her head on my chest.

And we sat….hugged…and talked about our 22+ years together.

And as names or thoughts of other people that we discussed would come up, it was strange but I felt a strong vibration with them in that place.

For example, even though Presley was not at home with us when we spoke about her, I could feel some of the pain that I believe that she’s going through right now.

And I felt deep conviction there as well.

I thought about times with Noah and how close and connected we’ve been over the years, and while things are really good with me and him, I still felt a conviction that things could be better and we could be closer.

I felt similar things for Dylan.

And I had a similar feeling and thought with Gianna, about there’s somethings that were not handling right with her.

But also at the same time, I felt a peace about her that things are eventually going to be ‘OK’, but we have to operate at a different level with her.

Lastly, as Tara and I laid in bed before going to sleep later on, I had this thought that rushed into my mind from nowhere, it came in a flash to the point where I was screaming out (in my mind) to God to please never take Tara away from me.

I was terrified at the thought.

It flashed in my head out of nowhere, and the thought RUSHED in at light speed, and this thought of having to live without her made me feel like I would die and that I absolutely could not do it, it was a pain I could not possibly bare and I screamed out to God to please never take her from me.

And God immediately responded, but at first I wasn’t able to discern what the message was, but at the same time I was feeling the sense of GUILT coming up for some reason….then i began to clearly identify what it was, it was clearly CONVICTION that I felt for not trusting Him and putting an idol above him, even if that Idol was my own wife.

Then I heard this message clearly in my heart:
Your Appreciation comes with Deep Conviction

I felt it over and over, loud and clear:
Your Appreciation comes with Deep Conviction

I was completely humbled….lying there….sensing vibrations from everyone that appeared in my thoughts and from God.

Incredibly strong Vibrations.

Vibrations of Love…..that led to Appreciation….that led to Conviction….that once again, led me back to Appreciation.

Appreciation deeper than I’ve ever felt.

Appreciation that I’ve never experienced before.

Appreciation that was so strong that it led me to Conviction.

It was not a Condemnation.

This was a POSITIVE CONVICTION.

It was an Awakening, or an Enlightenment I’ve needed to access to move to the next level that I’ve been seeking since late last year.

It was a message that came through the feeling of Conviction because of all that I’ve lost by not appreciating enough over the years.

And that Conviction I believe has elevated my Appreciation for my family, life and others to a level like never before.

As I sit here on Sunday morning, my heart is overfilled with Love, Gratitude and most of all Appreciation.

For all I’ve been blessed with, all that is, and all that is to come.

Last night, my Appreciation came with deep Conviction, and I am truly Appreciative for this experience.

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